1.) Decide that you need a new bra after going almost three years without purchasing one, (except for the splurge on the really nice nursing bra two years ago after the second baby.)
2.) Get excited that there is Fredericks of Hollywood in the strip mall near your house, decide to walk there with the kids.
3.) Enter a sexy lingerie boutique with a 4-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl.
4.) Ask the nice sales rep named Dee for black bras in a 34DD. (this is why I shop at Fredericks, they carry my size.)
5.) Enter the change room with previously mentioned boy and girl in tow.
6.) Stop for a moment and consider whether your boy is now too old to watch you try on bras.
7.) Realize that he still sees your breasts all the time when walking in on you in the shower, while changing, nursing his sister and that he may as well watch you change yet again.
8.) Pull first bra off of the hanger as little girl reaches up, “Mommy, I yant it on.”
9.) Hand her your bra to play with as your son chimes in, “I want one too”, to the delight of everyone else in earshot.
10.) Explain to son that he is growing up to be a man and men don’t usually wear bras because they don’t have breasts. Respond that yes he is correct; you have breasts because you are a lady and he would have been a very hungry baby if you didn’t have them.
11.) Think to self that you shouldn’t have brought him in the change room after all.
12.) Put the first bra on, see immediately that it is all wrong and won’t do at all.
13.) Wonder aloud what the putrid smell coming from one of your children’s bottoms entails.
14.) Listen to daughter announce, “I have poo momma.”
15.) As fast as you can put your own clothes on, leave change room and ask Dee if there is a restroom.
16.) Sigh in resignation as you learn it is two stores away and tell her you’ll be back.
17.) Drag children tooth and nail past door displays in said store with restroom.
18.) Find the restroom behind an associates only sign on a swinging door.
19.) Waste precious moments debating with son who still wishes to be in attendance in your change room whether he is old enough to go to the boys’ bathroom by himself.
20.) Take daughter to toilet, arrange seat cover and sit her down. Listen to the tiny tinkle as she grins, “I peed momma.”
21.) Ask pointlessly if there is any poo since we came all this way for that, knowing that the answer is no.
22.) Gather children and arrange clothing.
23.) Realize you can get something you need at this store.
24.) Buy it and ask them to hold it for you until you’re done shopping.
25.) Return to bra store where Dee has held your selections for you.
26.) Leave children outside change room on the floor next to you.
27.) Yell at son to stop looking underneath other dressing room doors.
28.) Apologize to whoever is in the next stall.
29.) Remove shirt.
30.) Tell daughter who crawls into your stall and demands nursing that she will have to wait until you get home.
31.) Tell daughter who is now plaintively repeating, ”I want home mama,” that she will have to wait until you are done.
32.) Put first bra on. Pull shirt back down to see how it looks underneath a t-shirt. Too small.
33.) Remove shirt as daughter yells, “No! Put shirt on mommy, I want go home.”
34.) Put on other bra as daughter yells, “Put clothes on Mommy.”
35.) Remove other bra as she screams in frustration at your lack of compliance.
36.) Realize you hate them all, (the bras that is.)
37.) Put clothes back on and leave store with children, but no bra.
38.) Realize that you will never get those two hours back again.