27.8.06

This Weekend.

We are moved, I am happy. Remember the trees? They are definitely worth it. In the middle of the afternoon at the hottest outside temperatures, the new apartment had a nice cool refreshing breeze blowing in the windows, while the old apartment was hot and stuffy and stinky from all of the closed windows and the air-conditioning running full blast. That alone makes the move worth it for me, but there’s more. Falling asleep on Friday night with my window wide open, I didn’t hear any car radios or brakes or engines. I also didn’t hear any clomping footsteps, loud conversations or screaming babies who are up way too late.

The Girl needed some reassurance sleeping for the first time in our new location, there was a lot of crying, and “I want to go back to my house.”

“But this is our house now honey, we moved here, we’re all sleeping here tonight.”

“No, I want my red house.”

(I’m amazed at the way she thinks. We had a red wall in our old living room, actually we have one in the new living room too since the landlords do an accent wall for free, but I love that she thinks about it in colors.)

So I lay with her a while and noticed her staring eyes wide listening to sound she doesn’t usually here from her bed.

“Do you hear the crickets singing?”

(Yes the only night sound is crickets. How wonderful is that?)

In a scared and uncertain little voice she answers, “Uh huh.”

“Do you like the crickets singing us to sleep?”

Doubtfully, “Uh huh?”

The next morning when we went outside she asked me where the crickets are.
It was great to have family helping, fabulous SIL’s that can put dishes in cupboards exactly as they were in they old place. Now I have to get the old apartment spotless in the next three days before we have to turn in the keys.

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We spent a great day with Journey Mama and her family today. I finally met the Leaf Baby after 7 months and saying goodbye as his momma headed to the hospital and we headed south. He is such a perfect and adorable baby. I can’t get over how calm he is and smart. He poos on the toilet, he lets anyone hold him, but he mainly smiles at mommy, he is beautiful and edible and I held him as much as I could today while he just looked at me with those wise little eyes that didn’t miss anything.

I managed to enjoy myself in spite of a killer migraine, that I wouldn’t have tried to go anywhere with except to see her because I miss her. Another friend (Dori) from the same year when we all slept in a church by the beach and fed homeless people and begged for showers or used the beach ones was there this morning as well. We all met and married our spouses within two years of that amazing year together and all have children. Sitting around the table this morning all holding our youngest child was a strange and wonderful moment as we are all in different stages of babyhood. Dori’s second child is a month old, Leaf Baby is 7 months, and I held the Girl at 2 1/2 with number three on the way. It’s amazing where time takes us and how it’s starts to rush by as we age. It’s been over 8 years since we all met and between just the three of us we have 8 children. It feels like yesterday we sat around broke and single in cute little coffee shops and talked about everything under the sun except breastfeeding and diaper changes.

A part of my heart has ached for these girls, except I should say women now, ever since we parted ways. I have never, not even in my own family been in such a close community with so many people at once. We started out not even liking each other and disagreeing about everything augmented by the tension of sharing life together as we muddled our way through. By the end of that year I felt completely loved and completely known. They had seen me at my worst and had loved me through to a better place and still loved me, as I had them, and it was powerful.

One of my FIL’s favorite sermon slogans is that the message of Christianity is that you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, and you are given the power you need to change. That year I experienced that, and it changed my life.

It has me thinking though. I have been wondering how it is that I got to this place where I am so cast down by the way another is towards me. How have I lost myself so much that when the Genius Husband becomes emotionally distant and unsupportive as he has been, and really, he will always be like that from time to time because he’s a man and only human though this season feel harder than most, that I fall apart without him there. Pregnant hormones aside of course, how little of myself it seems I have retained in the past little while.

I know that to be the person I want to be, the woman I like when I see her in the mirror only exists when I feel loved and accepted exactly as I am. That in itself frees me to change things and move forward in gigantic ways. I felt that with the girls, I felt that way with the Genius Husband for a while as well. But have I been unconsciously trying to manipulate people to give me that feeling when there is no person who is capable of loving me that unconditionally all of the time, even if I were perfect, which I’m not? I think I have, at least with the GH, and I know my efforts with him have been met with resistance, because he really hates to feel manipulated.

It’s time for me to remember that the love I have felt from the people around me is only a taste of the greater love that the Universe is filled with, and that I need to connect again with the source of love Himself instead of just the various conduits, because I don’t like how weak I am now, and trying to do this whole life gig alone is awful and depressing. I remind myself of the Girl who insists on doing it herself even if I help, slides back down the hill so she can climb up herself and then screams in frustration as she tries to reach the top without help and keeps on slipping. I need to stop being too proud to admit I need help and start to say thank-you for the blessings that are there for me if I will only receive them.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for writing such a personal and honest post. I really enjoyed reading it and can relate on sooo many different levels. It was almost like I was reading my own thoughts and feelings at times!

    Really happy your move has worked out well!

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  2. Hey sweetie, I've been SOOO out of blog world for a while, I wanted to write so much, but every time I sit down I almost fall asleep and then I feel pressured to write and then I feel depressed and then I start banging my head against the wall. Just kidding. But I love you and I was so so so happy to see you and I'll have to write all about it and I'm sorry that your GH is going through hard times. I know how that is, my SH reacts differently, isn't quite as brutally honest, but still it's hard. Love love love you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. How blessed you are to have your friends!

    Hope you settle into your new home easily.

    ReplyDelete

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