14.9.06

I’m Fine

If you were to ask me right now how I am I’d probably say “I’m fine.”

Today I’m fine means I’ve felt like shit for months and I don’t know when I’ll feel better, but I’m certain you don’t want to hear about it.

I’m fine means that I’m afraid of someone who genuinely cares asking because I don’t want to break down crying in front of you because I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop until I told you everything, embarrassing both of us.

I’m fine means I don’t feel like anyone loves me or cares about me and I feel lonely, and abandoned by the people closest to me.

I’m fine means I’m afraid of appearing weak because I don’t feel like you or anyone else will love me or accept me if you knew how frail I really am, and what a slim thread I am clenching in order to stay functional.

I’m fine means I’m trying to be strong even though I know I’m not.

I’m fine means, “Please someone help me before I fall apart because I don’t even feel able to ask for help and I’m going down fast.”

I’m fine means I’m good at hiding my pain and you will never know unless you get uncomfortably close because I’m afraid that you too will hurt me if you know.

I’m fine.

Is this depression?

5 comments:

  1. Stephanie1:13 PM

    I can so totally relate. I'm fine too. Actually I'm not, unless consider sitting here crying uncontrollably for many if not all of the same reasons you wrote about, being fine. If so then yes, I am fine.

    Stephanie
    steph_sister_76@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. A screening test for depression can be found here: http://www.depression-screening.org/screeningtest/screeningtest.htm

    I hope you feel better soon! God bless...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have just read your last 4 posts and have so enjoyed them. I wanted to comment on this one.Everything that you have written here, I have felt at some point in my roles as wife and mother. I'm 43. I have such passion for what I do and I feel such responsibility that sometimes I begin to feel overwhelmed. I will go and go and go. I have to remind myself to rest and not think too much about tomorrow. I've learned to have boundaries. I can not do everything and I can not please everyone and I must have rest. When you are lonely, look at those beautiful children that God has given you. Daily, my children give me the strength and love that I need to carry on. Isn't that what families are for? When I am pregnant, my pace slows down tremendously and I focus on what definitely has to be done. I don't look to have strength for tomorrow, only for the tasks set immediately before me like caring for the children. Did you know that admitting weakness is STRENGTH? Yes, it is! If I had realized that earlier in my life, it would have saved so much trouble. But, I know it now and I'm striving to be better. I hope that I have written something to help you feel better. So many times in my past, when someone has given me just a little bit of encouragement, it has made of world of difference to me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for posting this. I wish every English student in Japan could read it, as EVERYBODY is taught to say "I'm fine" to express the utmost wellbeing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. A screening test for depression can be found here: http://www.depression-screening.org/screeningtest/screeningtest.htm

    I hope you feel better soon! God bless...

    ReplyDelete

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