My baby is dead. It probably has been for 3 weeks. Yesterday morning I started to miscarry. Today a sonogram confirmed what we most feared, and suspected.
It makes sense of why I haven't had nausea these past few weeks. Why I haven't really felt pregnant at all.
I remember thinking when I wrote about this baby that I was being a bit presumptuous, assuming that a pregnancy meant a baby at the end of it. But I decided at the time, that even if something went wrong, it would be silly to pretend that there was no baby at all, just because it didn't live full term.
Yesterday was a surreal sort of day that started with me calling my midwife crying, and looped through things I never expected, like praying with my MIL and my midwife in her office. Or having the nurse at the pregnancy care center pray for me before sending me away, with a referral to a lovely family practice that took me in in a second and handled everything today. (My midwife isn't covered by insurance and miscarriages tend to be expensive. Thus the search for a doctor.)
Welcoming this baby, so unexpected, has been an exercise in trust, and saying good bye has been the same. I'm surprised that rather than asking "Why me?" my thought is more, "Why not me?" I've been very blessed thus far to have 3 completely healthy, complication free pregnancies. It's really only a matter of time before I experience the opposite as well. To live is to suffer from time to time, to love, to be heartbroken. No where is the fragility and triumph of life more apparent in our culture today than in birth. Death and birth walk hand in hand, and often happen in the same womb. I've been thinking about how odd it is, our culture, that resists the experience of death so strongly. In many cases it's led to good things, better medicine for example.
But I find this quiet acceptance I am experiencing, however foreign it seems to me at the moment, to be a more peaceful road than I ever imagined I would walk so close with death.
I am sad. I have wept. But I feel held. I feel unafraid. I don't feel alone. And that really is a gift I never expected to receive in a moment like this.
I want to thank you all who have been praying for me since this whole journey started. It means so much. It has helped me so much. Bless you all.