There's the return of a monthly cycle, and the sight of blood again for the first time since I miscarried Shiloh.
There's the wonderful joyful news that my little sister just gave birth to a baby girl, at home in her birthing pool.
There's the hard hard wall of a husband who still thinks, as I would agree if I were rational, that trying on purpose to get pregnant this year is foolish. Not forever, just for right now. But oh how I want to. I had hoped...
There are the insurance papers I keep putting off filling out.
There are hormones, and exhaustion.
There are the little reminders every where. "Your baby is gone," they shout. "No tiny bodies and downy soft heads in your immediate future."
And I start to sink into self pity, in addition to the sadness.
I've been trying to stay on top of this. I exercise every day, eat properly, don't get adequate sleep however, and these past 4 days have been too much for me. My eyes leak tears constantly as I go through the motions of keeping family and house in order.
I don't know how to heal from this part, this part of longing for a child I will never get to hold. My heart has been opened, and now lies empty, stumbling along, trying to figure out what to do now.
There are blessings all around me. And I'm not oblivious to them. I have laughed, I have enjoyed my children, my life. But that doesn't mean the tears won't fall again seconds later.
Today my MIL has my children. Today I slept for more than 3 hours in the middle of the day.
I know it will get better eventually. Time will do it's work, the pain will be less fresh. But for just today, I'm simply stumbling through.