I'm fine. In case you were wondering. Except when I'm not, and then I burst into tears at completely random seeming intervals. But that seems to be at a rate of twice a week or so, so it's not that bad.
I'm continuing to marvel at how many women are telling me that this record I am keeping of my experience of losing a baby is helping them deal with their loss as well. I certainly didn't set out to help other people by grieving publicly. It was more for me than anything else. I mentioned a few posts back how I trust in a God who promises to redeem all things. I have in the past year or so come to suspect that it is possible to go through suffering in a way that is actually redemptive. That's what certain verses on the subject seem to be saying anyhow.
I've not had a chance to test that idea until now, as I've not had much sorrow or suffering to go through. I feel kind of silly even mentioning it, like you will all think I think too highly of myself. It's just a little thing really, or a series of little things. Like my neighbor admitting that she's afraid to get pregnant again because she might have another miscarriage, and then choosing a name for the baby she lost and somehow that's helping her, talking about it is helping her. Or the many people who have told me that I've articulated for them a grief they couldn't speak and that has helped. I'm only passing on, inadvertently, the wisdom of women who have gone before me, and counseled me to name my baby, to allow time and space to grieve. They said it makes it easier in the long run.
I don't know. It seems pretty small. But I wonder if this small series of colliding ripples, where other people are comforted somehow as we process our shared grief together, is a foretaste of what it's like when something wrong is redeemed. If even out of an unexpected grief, comfort can come to a circle of women, what happens when the kingdom of God really comes?