I don't know what to do with it.
For some reason I didn't throw it away. Normally I do. Somehow I felt the need to keep it around. It didn't feel quite real that I was pregnant again. Maybe. Whatever the reason, I still have it. It rattles from one place to the next. Usually turning up when I am cleaning or need to take it out of Little's hand, again, and put it somewhere out of reach.
I have no where to put it. I mean, it's a chemical reaction on a strip of urine soaked fiber. Doesn't exactly fit in the memento box.
But it feels wrong to throw it away, like if I do it will be like Shiloh never existed. Already I go days at a time without really remembering. Or at least, the memory is no longer a fresh and aching wound. More like a scar that doesn't hurt anymore, and I only remember when I catch a glimpse of it.
I know this is silly. Of course I was pregnant. And now I am not.
And I have this,
the tiny box the GH made to put Shiloh's remains into,
to remember by.
So why can't I throw this away?