There are so many things going in my head this month. I'm learning and thinking through some new things and I'm longing to write about them. But I seem unable to pull it all together in a way that is communicable yet. Two attempts already this week have gone by way of the delete button. (The mucus in my sinus cavities may have something to do with that. That is communicable I'm sure.)
There are stories entangled with these thoughts that are not going to appear here because they are confidential. Which may be the other difficulty. Until I can extract the kernels from the stories that I must not tell there isn't much to say.
Then there is the very real and constant conundrum of voice. What kind of blog is this anyway? It's my blog and so it in many ways reflects me, my personality. I am the type of person to be having a deeply intense discussion on the practical aspects of the charismatic ministry of the church one second, or the nature of the divine, and the next laugh myself silly at an episode of South Park, which isn't always funny but sometimes is brilliant, or one of The Bloggess's advice columns, which bring me to tears almost every time I read them. (DO NOT click on that link dad. You will be way more offended by it than the bra post.)
In between those are all of the other things that I think, do, pray and live.
We are, none of us, one dimensional. Is it possible, I wonder, to present here a balanced image of myself? I could write an all devotional spiritual blog, and another on cute things my kids say and their bodily functions, another on my thoughts on marriage, another on justice an poverty, etc. They would each only be a fragment of all that I am.
I am trying to live authentically, both online and off. Yet I find myself pausing before I type certain things, on either end of the spectrum. In my search for balance I tend to stay near the middle, knowing that I may inadvertently offend by either extreme. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not. It will probably keep being the thing that I do for now.
I do know this. If nothing else the act of telling my story here has in itself altered the story I tell. Or at least the way I tell it. That's another story for another day as well. But I am confident that my life is better because of that shift. So I know I won't be quitting the struggle to continue telling it anytime soon.
Instead of an actual post today you get a post about posting. Sorry about that. It's as much as I can manage to squeeze out right now.