24.9.09

Writer's Block?

There are so many things going in my head this month. I'm learning and thinking through some new things and I'm longing to write about them. But I seem unable to pull it all together in a way that is communicable yet. Two attempts already this week have gone by way of the delete button. (The mucus in my sinus cavities may have something to do with that. That is communicable I'm sure.)

There are stories entangled with these thoughts that are not going to appear here because they are confidential. Which may be the other difficulty. Until I can extract the kernels from the stories that I must not tell there isn't much to say.

Then there is the very real and constant conundrum of voice. What kind of blog is this anyway? It's my blog and so it in many ways reflects me, my personality. I am the type of person to be having a deeply intense discussion on the practical aspects of the charismatic ministry of the church one second, or the nature of the divine, and the next laugh myself silly at an episode of South Park, which isn't always funny but sometimes is brilliant, or one of The Bloggess's advice columns, which bring me to tears almost every time I read them. (DO NOT click on that link dad. You will be way more offended by it than the bra post.)

In between those are all of the other things that I think, do, pray and live.

We are, none of us, one dimensional. Is it possible, I wonder, to present here a balanced image of myself? I could write an all devotional spiritual blog, and another on cute things my kids say and their bodily functions, another on my thoughts on marriage, another on justice an poverty, etc. They would each only be a fragment of all that I am.

I am trying to live authentically, both online and off. Yet I find myself pausing before I type certain things, on either end of the spectrum. In my search for balance I tend to stay near the middle, knowing that I may inadvertently offend by either extreme. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not. It will probably keep being the thing that I do for now.

I do know this. If nothing else the act of telling my story here has in itself altered the story I tell. Or at least the way I tell it. That's another story for another day as well. But I am confident that my life is better because of that shift. So I know I won't be quitting the struggle to continue telling it anytime soon.

Instead of an actual post today you get a post about posting. Sorry about that. It's as much as I can manage to squeeze out right now.

4 comments:

  1. I like your blog, Carrien. I like the honesty and variety.

    Because truth is, we're all very complex creature -- balancing different roles, feeling different things, focusing on different aspects of life from one day to the next. That's the beauty of blogging - it's letting others in to see us being human. And in the process, maybe encouraging them a little, making them laugh, or giving them a new way of looking at life.

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  2. I know how you feel. I often wonder that same thing about my blog and the goal. It tells about me, my life and struggles and stories of things I encounter. To some extent it is like a personal journal i print and will one day give to my kids to show them what our life was like. But I also feel the responsability of putting it out there for others to read. Even though it is not a C&MA blog, they know I work for them. Just like yours is not an official Charis Project blog, it still reflects on your organization to people who are interested in your work. We can't get away from those links. Sometimes I think twice before I write some things since I know a long list of supporters are reading it. Will this hurt or hinder my ministry or ability to communicate in the future with them? I by no means hide who I am, but I also chose what I write about. If the only good of writing it is for myself purely or cathartic or just to write, and it will either be "too much information!" or uncomfortable or even hurtful to someone else, i usually won't write it. I can type myself a letter and put it in my journal for something like that or send it in an email to a few friends to walk through it with me. If there is no redeeming value, and in fact may have a negative side affect, I don't share it. That's just what I think about when i write. We cant separate what we write from what we do from who (or for what goal) we work for. And will a post hurt any of those? That is my thoughts at least.

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  3. Your post about posting is a post about life it self. I thank you for your honesty.

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  4. Your post about posting IS a post. It's (once again) giving people insight into your world, your mind, and who you are.
    Don't worry - the writer's block will pass. And we'll be here waiting until it does :)

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