Yet, as Aaron reminded me every time I went off on a tangent, forgetting our reasons, we have very good reasons. (Those lilies above came home with him one night after such a conversation.)
As it stands right now, I do most of the work for The Charis Project. Aaron can't do it all and work long physically demanding hours to support us at the same time. Though he does do a lot. We have to assume that another pregnancy would be as debilitating as all of the previous ones have been, which means I am barely able to function for several months. We can't afford for me to take a leave of absence right now. At least 35 kids are depending on us right now. If I stop working they go hungry. It's that simple.
How selfish would it be then to choose a pregnancy right now, when things are are so unstable for them?
I'll be honest though, for the first time this last month I started to resent it. It was no longer a privilege to get to help someone in such a meaningful way. I wanted to quit. I was angry that I couldn't quit, or that my conscience wouldn't let me. I wanted someone else to come and do it for me.
But then I remembered all those times when I was home with two very little ones and I would cry I was so frustrated. I loved being with them, most of the time. But I would read and hear about children starving and suffering in other parts of the world and I would feel that just taking care of my own middle class, healthy, and happy children was not enough. I wanted to do more.
I was discontent and constantly trying to figure out what I could do. Gradually I learned to accept the season of life that I was in, and I embraced it. I realized that it wasn't forever and I learned to be content raising my own children.
Now I have what I longed for then, and I was wanting to just go back to that season of "just" being a mother again.
Then, I laughed at myself and wondered if I would ever learn to be content with where I am.