I found my mother journal when we moved. A friend gave to me when the Boy was born, almost 9 years ago.
It has all of the things I wrote down when he was a baby, long before blogs were invented I think, long before I even owned my own computer. We lived in Canada then, Vancouver, and I was totally new to motherhood.
I thought I might share a few entries here.
You can let me know if that's a totally lame idea or not.
I sit in a coffee shop with you beside me staring around in wide eyed wonder at the everyday ordinary sights. Your hands and feet move anxiously while you make little worried noises. Soon the car seat will be entirely unsatisfactory and I will pick and hold you to keep you happy. You smile that wonderful smile at me when I pick you up, and with it tell me how happy your are to be with your mama.
Today was a good day. The sun shone and it was warm enough to go without a coat. Spring is definitely on it's way. You are 4 months plus one week old today, and your daddy and I took you to Crescent Beach. The last time we were there I was very pregnant with you and walking was difficult. Today, we rambled all over the rocks and the sand spits, picking our way through the wet sand and the little rivers that remain when the tide goes out. You were nestled up all nice and cozy against against my belly still. This time on the outside. You woke up every so often to look around.
You won't remember much of this day, if any. It will mix with all the other wordless sensations of your first year. I hope you will remember feeling happy, loved, and secure, held firmly by the love that mommy and daddy have for each other, and for you.
I will remember the color of the late afternoon sun as it cast razor sharp shadows behind even the tiniest rock or ripple of sand. It was that peculiar golden color that one only sees this far north where the light comes in at an angle as if from very far away.
I will remember your father walking in front of me with his distinctive gait that was made for traveling long distances. He looks as though he is sauntering even as he leaves me far behind with his long strides. I like the way his shoulders and hips sort of roll from one step to the next. I wonder if one day you will walk like him.
I will remember that every time you looked me or daddy you smiled. I love the way your mouth opens wide, your tongue points out, and your eyes crinkle at the corners when you smile. It's like the sun came out and looked straight at me.
We turned over rocks and watched the little crabs all run for cover as their hiding place disappeared. Your daddy took pictures. Someday it will be you turning over rocks to see what's underneath. You will pick you way on little legs across the sand behind daddy and laugh and squeal as you feel the crabs scamper over your toes. And someday, even further down the road you will be the man leading the way, and maybe there will be little ones following you, learning from you what a tide pool is.
I'm grateful for today, for the mini vacation from work. I'm grateful for the sun and the pause, time to enjoy you and hold your daddy's hand again as we walked our little family down to the beach and remembered how blessed we are.