Sometimes I lose perspective. Ok, a lot of times I lose perspective. I get over whelmed by straws, many tiny little straws that pile up until I feel like I can't move.
Monday was that kind of day. At some point in the morning I called Aaron, who is out of town on business, AGAIN after being home just 6 short days, and surprised myself by weeping into the phone as I told him we were going to have to carry a balance on the credit card this month, for the first time in 2 years or more, because I just couldn't make it work out, this income we have, plus the expenses we have.
I haven't really bought groceries all month, living on pantry staples from times of surplus when I stocked up. We have a 50 pound bag of rice in the pantry after all. We may get bored, but we won't starve. But it's draining, and wearying, this constant need to make do. I lost a filling 3 months ago. I probably need a root canal by now, but still can't afford a dentist.
Add to that a hormone cocktail and the grind of trying to do something new in a 3rd world country where corruption is commonplace and sifting through lies that we had to do this past month and I just spent a lot of time weeping.
By the time Sara came over at our regular scheduled time to do more year end accounting for Charis I was really struggling: struggling to keep my voice calm with the children who just would. not. finish. their chores, struggling to focus on work that needed doing, struggling to not just sigh endlessly while wiping away tears.
So she called her mom, who is a massage therapist and asked if she could fit me in that day. When I came out of the bathroom she met me with my keys and purse in hand and told me to go and not come back until late. She literally shooed me out the door.
When I came home several hours later, after a wonderful massage, and time spent doing another thing I had wanted to do for a while, my kids were bathed and in bed, my house was so clean it sparkled, and I was no longer in default despair mode.
Sometimes we struggle through things and the struggle makes us stronger. Other times God sends us absolutely fantastic friends who turn everything around for us with the gift of kindness.
Yesterday an old, old friend, whom we haven't seen for many years, sent us a substantial gift through paypal. Just to help out and encourage us. Their timing couldn't have been more perfect.
I feel so unworthy of such generous friends. All I can do is tell this story of how the people in my life have blessed me. I need to do it so I remember that I'm never really alone, no matter how much it feels like I am sometimes.
Have you ever felt a nudge to do something kind for someone, just because. I hope you acted on it. I have a feeling those nudges are orchestrated by one who knows our need, and knows just how much it is a blessing to be able to fill those needs for each other. These faithful friends made all the difference for me this week and now I'm overwhelmed in a different way, by my inability to figure out how to say thank-you in proportion to what their kindness means to me. I hope it's enough to just feel it so deeply, and hold it close, wrapped tight in the warmth.